raw · cooked · burned

The man sings: knock, knock,
knocking on heaven’s door.

I am knocking on heaven’s door; yet it seems
no one’s home. Do you hear me God?
Why is your house empty? Why is it silent?
I want an answer, a sign, a signal God. I
know you’re harboring my beloved.

feb/’04

Did you ever know, dear, how much you took away with you when you left?  You have stripped me even of my past, even of the things we never shared.  (p. 61)

Once very near the end I said, ‘If you can—if it is allowed—come to me when I too am on my death bed.’  ‘Allowed!’ she said. ‘Heaven would have a job to hold me; and as for Hell, I’d break it into bits.’  (p. 75)

Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything. (p. 11)

Does grief finally subside into boredom tinged by faint nausea? (p.36)

Meanwhile, where is God? [...] When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him [...] turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be—or so it feels—welcomed with open arms.  But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find?  A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside.  After that, silence.  You may as well turn away.  The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. (p. 6)

A Grief Observed
C.S. Lewis

And then, these journeys
and my sea of renewal:
your head on the pillow,
your hands floating
in the light, in my light,
over my earth.

It was beautiful to live
when you lived!

–Neruda

by Robert Browning.

Life in a Love

Escape me?
Never—
Beloved!
While I am I, and you are you,
So long as the world contains us both,
Me the loving and you the loth
While the one eludes, must the other pursue.
My life is a fault at last, I fear:
It seems too much like a fate, indeed!
Though I do my best I shall scarce succeed.
But what if I fail of my purpose here?
It is but to keep the nerves at strain,
To dry one’s eyes and laugh at a fall,
And, baffled, get up and begin again,—
So the chace takes up one’s life ‘ that’s all.
While, look but once from your farthest bound
At me so deep in the dust and dark,
No sooner the old hope goes to ground
Than a new one, straight to the self-same mark,
I shape me—
Ever
Removed!

The Last Ride together

I SAID—Then, dearest, since ’tis so,
Since now at length my fate I know,
Since nothing all my love avails,
Since all, my life seem’d meant for, fails,
Since this was written and needs must be—
My whole heart rises up to bless
Your name in pride and thankfulness!
Take back the hope you gave,—I claim
Only a memory of the same,
—And this beside, if you will not blame;
Your leave for one more last ride with me.

ترا من چشم در راهم

ترا من چشم در راهم شباهنگام
که می گیرند در شاخ ” تلاجن” سایه ها رنگ سیاهی
وزان دلخستگانت راست اندوهی فراهم
ترا من چشم در راهم.

شباهنگام.در آندم که بر جا دره ها چون مرده ماران خفتگانند
در آن نوبت که بندد دست نیلوفر به پای سرو کوهی دام
گرم یاد آوری یا نه
من از یادت نمی کاهم
ترا من چشم در راهم.

نیما

From and including: Friday, May 11, 2001
To, but not including : Friday, May 11, 2007

It is 2191 days from the start date to the end date, but not including the end date

Or 6 years excluding the end date

Alternative time units
2191 days can be converted to one of these units:

• 189,302,400 seconds
• 3,155,040 minutes
• 52,584 hours
• 313 weeks

Over 600 emails… or one every 3.5 days over a 6 year period.

Today
From: Kimia
Date: 4/9/2001

Today, I realized that the dreams of my childhood have ran out as quickly as sand pebbles through a child’s fingers. And yet I learned to dream new dreams, Dreams more majestic, more stunning, more my own. Today, I felt life, as though for the first time, I tasted disappointment. I fell, But then learned to pick myself up. For the first time ever, I understood the meaning of learning. Learning from my mistakes, And forgiving. Forgiving myself for failing, And others for disappointing me. Then I learned to keep loving the ones who didn’t know how to love me. I learned not to give up on myself, or my desires, Of wholeness, fulfillment, And all things pure. Today, for the first time, I understood that loss is intertwined with “being” And that “being” is made up of sorrow And joy. Today, I realized for the first time The meaning of sacrifice And selflessness and brevity. Today, I learned the true power of kindness And felt the true depth of compassion. Today, I realized that time hardens us Like tempered steal, And also that humanity softens our hearts, Like bleeding tulips. Today, I realized the magnificence of life With all of its hardships And all of its beautiful rewards.

Read the rest of this entry »

ليلي ز سرير سر بلندي افتاد به چاه دردمندي
شد چشم زده بهار باغش زد باد تپانچه بر چراغش

آن سر كه عصابهاي زر بستخود را به عصا به دگر بست
گشت آن تن نازك قصب پوش چون تار قصب ضعيف و بيتوش

شد بدر مهيش چون هلالي وان سرو سهيش چون خيالي
سوداي دلش به سر درآمد سرسام سرش به دل برآمد

گرماي تموز ژاله را برد باد آمد و برگ لاله را برد
تب لرزه شكست پيكرش را تبخاله گزيد شكرش را

بالين طلبيد زاد سروش وز سرو فتاده شد ترروش
افتاد چنانكه دانه از كشت سر بند قصب به رخ فرو هشت

Read the rest of this entry »

There is a
deep void inside me
and sometimes I peer out
from the edge into
the vast darkness,
which draws me in
like an invitation to a feast,

not realizing the honored
guest at the table
– and the beast –
are both me.

“I told you once I should pass out of your kindness into your patience, as from one room to another, as though I could go where I liked and lay my face in the flowers you have left and pass my hand over the silk of your dear feelings. But I shall never be abel to tell you what you have done for me. God alone should give word to all gardens to tell you of it in their own blessed way; the stars, when you look up to them, should lay it, all heavenly and pure, in your heart. Do you know that? But what have I done? I have piled the heavy stones of my grief upon your joy, I have set my failing, withering life beside your confident hope and disappointed it, I have taken your flowers in my hand and they are faded. I thought I could give you my life, but my life is forfeit and has turned to your hurt. Can you forgive it all?”

I saw him turn, saw his beloved face in front of me and laid my head on his shoulder.

“Rainer,” I said, shaken with sobs, “you must know how deeply and endlessly I thank you for everything, even the bitterest, because you let me have a share in all that moved your heart, in all the brightness and the blackness. Don’t you feel that? Have I been unable to show it, that you can doubt it?”

Rilke and Benvenuta,
Magda von Hattingberg, p. 138

I have an unfair grip on you, haven’t i. I was a most dear companion and intimate of your daughter. Through her toughest times, no less. Through her final days. Through the fatal debacle that she faced. And she had an unfair grip on me…for all the same reasons. No way could I have abandoned her in that situation, no matter how strenuous and aggrieved the situation got. My determination was only doubled by her resolve that I let her go. I would let her go – would have to when the time came… I came to terms with that – but I would not, could not abandon her in her toughest time, her final days. I wish she never asked me or insisted on it. Yes, she had an unfair advantage on me. I could not in good conscious let her go and live with myself. So we drudged through the unfairness, through the uneasiness, through the rough waters, and just before all-would-be-alright, she parted, and all was not alright. Nothing was alright. Nor would be.

So you see, I realize I have an unfair advantage on you. And pray to god, I do not misuse, mishandle, or otherwise mis-cue it.

No. You have acted decisively several times already and nothing was improved by it. Don’t try to explain it; I am sure you can explain the past, down to the last detail, considering that you are too timid to embark upon a future without having it thoroughly explained in advance–which is plainly impossible.[...]

Rise up, then. Mend your ways, escape officialdom, start seeing what you are instead of calculating what you should become. There is no question of your first task: become a soldier. [...]

The comparison with Grillparzer is valid, perhaps, but you don’t think Grillparzer a proper one to imitate, do you? an unhappy example whom future generations should thank for having suffered for them.

–Franz Kafka, Diaries, August 27, 1916

From a letter to Felice:

You belong to me, I have made you mind. I can’t believe that there was ever a woman in a fairy tale fought for harder and more desperately than I have fought for you within myself, from the beginning, and always anew, and perhaps forever. You belong to me then…

– Diaries, October 18, 1916